Fidelity

It's quiet here today. Just what I need. Time to reflect and relax yet get work done at the same time. I've also had a chance to just sit and read a few blogs which shouldn't be a substitute for actually talking to my friends but it's so encouraging so I've decided that I'm going to write a little and hope that my thoughts and struggles may encourage someone else.

For a few weeks I had been feeling pretty much nothing. It was bad but not good either. I found myself just going through the motions and living my life. Nothing bad was happening yet I sensed some sort of emptiness. But of course I didn't tell anyone about it. It just never came up because it was bad or good - lukewarm you could say. So when I was asked how are things going, "fine" was the answer that described it all. There was nothing else to say because nothing else was happening - NOTHING.

I didn't like it though so I continued to read my bible and prayed that God would help me to feel something. But nothing changed. I felt very far from God. It wasn't until I was completely honest on a questionnaire that asked a time when I felt far from God that things began to change. I wanted to write down a different time because there have been others but I couldn't. God was moving me to let it out that I wasn't satisfied. So I wrote about now then a few days later I talked about it with my friend Erin and was again surrounded by community. Then a couple days after that I talked about it with Tad. Then I had a chance to talk about it with Heather.

These talks didn't make everything amazingly better all of a sudden. I still felt the same way but God used these people to show me his love that I knew was there but needed to feel. But through my talks with everyone I've learned that feelings may make things seem good but knowing is what will get you through. It's all about fidelity, staying around even when you don't feel like it. I was also thinking of marriage (go figure) and I know that I'm not always going to feel this amazing love for Tad. Somedays I'm sure it will just be like I have to live with this guy. But I'll know that I love him and that he loves me and that's what will get me through. It's the same with God. I know that he loves me and that I love him and so I keep reading my bible even though I don't get anything out of it and I keep praying because I know that he hears me.

So to finally end this post things are looking up and I'm slowly but surely beginning to feel again. It's interesting though because these feelings are necessarily good. For instance my heart breaks for those in New Orleans and I truly long to serve them. This doesn't make me feel good but I'm encouraged because I know that it's a feeling God has placed in my heart and it's more than nothing.