student teaching week 1

So I've started this thing they call student teaching. I spent all last week at Williamsville High School just observing. I didn't really do much at all except try to not freak myself out. There are lots of thoughts going through my head about it all. How will I be able to do my thing yet still go by the structure that's already set in place? How do I relate to my teacher who is the football coach? How do I remember all the things in precalculus that I haven't had in four years? But I just keep reminding myself that I've got time to ease into it and don't have to have everything figured out right now. But it will be here before I know it.

Then there's another part of me that wants this semester to go by as quickly as possible so it will all be over soon. But when I slow down and think about that I know that it's not a good idea. I will miss so much that God wants to teach me now if I just try to skip over it. Tad said a great thing to me the other night about this being my ministry this semester and I know that it is I just wish that God would show me exactly what he was for me in this situation right now. I'm not a big fan of waiting but I don't know if anyone really is.

Patience. Reminds me of this study that I'm doing. Living Beyond Yourself by Beth Moore. There's a girls group doing it on Friday mornings and a couple of my friends in Nashville are doing it too and I decided that it would be a great thing that would definitely keep me focused this semester. I wish that I could do it as a group on Friday mornings but I'm sure that God will still use it to work in my life. And who knows maybe I'll convince Tad to do it with me!

I feel a wave of excitement coming (and need it to come) about student teaching and this study and what God is going to do in me this semester. Now I'm going to stop typing and try to call some of my friends and tell them these things. :)

Zephaniah 3:17 - look it up

Lover

(works and music by derek webb)

like a man comes to an alter i came into this town

with the world upon my shoulders and promises passed down

and i went into the water and my father, he was pleased

i built it and i'll tear it down so you will be set free

but i found thieves and salesmen living in my father's house

i know how they got in here and i know how to get 'em out

i'm turning this place over from lfoor to balcony

and then just like these dodves and sheep you will be set free

i've always been a lover from before i drew a breath

some things i loved easy and some i loved to death

because love's no politician, it listens carfully

of those who come i can't lose one, so you will be set free

but go on and take my picture, go on and make me up

i'll still be your defender, you'll be my missing son

and i'll send out an army just to bring you back to me

because regardless of your brother's lies you will be set free

i am my beloveds and my beloved's mine

so you bring all your history and i'll bring the bread and wine

and we'll have us a party where all the drinks are on me

then as surely as the rising sun you will be set free

Fidelity

It's quiet here today. Just what I need. Time to reflect and relax yet get work done at the same time. I've also had a chance to just sit and read a few blogs which shouldn't be a substitute for actually talking to my friends but it's so encouraging so I've decided that I'm going to write a little and hope that my thoughts and struggles may encourage someone else.

For a few weeks I had been feeling pretty much nothing. It was bad but not good either. I found myself just going through the motions and living my life. Nothing bad was happening yet I sensed some sort of emptiness. But of course I didn't tell anyone about it. It just never came up because it was bad or good - lukewarm you could say. So when I was asked how are things going, "fine" was the answer that described it all. There was nothing else to say because nothing else was happening - NOTHING.

I didn't like it though so I continued to read my bible and prayed that God would help me to feel something. But nothing changed. I felt very far from God. It wasn't until I was completely honest on a questionnaire that asked a time when I felt far from God that things began to change. I wanted to write down a different time because there have been others but I couldn't. God was moving me to let it out that I wasn't satisfied. So I wrote about now then a few days later I talked about it with my friend Erin and was again surrounded by community. Then a couple days after that I talked about it with Tad. Then I had a chance to talk about it with Heather.

These talks didn't make everything amazingly better all of a sudden. I still felt the same way but God used these people to show me his love that I knew was there but needed to feel. But through my talks with everyone I've learned that feelings may make things seem good but knowing is what will get you through. It's all about fidelity, staying around even when you don't feel like it. I was also thinking of marriage (go figure) and I know that I'm not always going to feel this amazing love for Tad. Somedays I'm sure it will just be like I have to live with this guy. But I'll know that I love him and that he loves me and that's what will get me through. It's the same with God. I know that he loves me and that I love him and so I keep reading my bible even though I don't get anything out of it and I keep praying because I know that he hears me.

So to finally end this post things are looking up and I'm slowly but surely beginning to feel again. It's interesting though because these feelings are necessarily good. For instance my heart breaks for those in New Orleans and I truly long to serve them. This doesn't make me feel good but I'm encouraged because I know that it's a feeling God has placed in my heart and it's more than nothing.